Last year, in an attempt at self-betterment (don’t laugh please), I reached for William Faulkner’s heralded novel Absalom, Absalom! Now I know that there are some pretty smart people who, at a party or a university lecture, can discuss this famous piece of writing in all its glorious detail. These are the people who quote passages from it, describe its theme, and probably understood from page one the message Faulkner was trying to get across.

These are also the kind of people who, I must warn you right here, think that individuals like me are dolts for not quickly grasping everything within this great book’s covers. In that case, then welcome to my own personal “Dolt-World,” as admit I was on page 50 or 60 before I had the slightest clue as to what was happening.

Since the reading was heavy ground to plow, any progress I made came slowly. My mistake was that I did not properly prepare before I picked it up. Like an athlete who sits on the couch eating donuts and then goes to the track to race, I mistook the competition that this book represented. Any literature teacher would have told me that I needed to, beforehand, get a good explanation as to what was ahead—just plunging in was not the way to go.

Nevertheless, I was intrigued by the title as I recognized that it comes from the Old Testament—Absalom was one of King David’s sons. Now David had six or more wives so the entire family tree is a bit hard to sketch out, but Absalom was from David’s wife Maacah. Maacah in turn, just in case you are keeping score at home, was the daughter of Talmai the King of Geshur.

According to the authors of the biblical books of Samuel and Chronicles, Absalom was quite a charming gent. The narratives hint that he was above average in many things and, with his magnificent hair, he was known as the most handsome man in the kingdom… and it is at the word kingdom where troubles start to creep in.

You see, things got out of hand when Absalom wanted his father’s kingdom for himself and was prepared to employ some rather unsavory methods to get it. Hostilities eventually broke out, but it was Absalom, and not David, who ended up with the short end of the stick when, at the battle of Ephraim’s Wood, David’s armies thoroughly routed Absalom’s forces. When Absalom tried to flee the battlefield on a mule, his flowing hair got caught in overhanging tree branch and there he hung until one of David’s commanders, a chap by the name of Joab, came by and killed him with three darts through the heart. It rather reminds you of that Bon Jovi song with those unforgettable lyrics Shot through the heart and you’re to blame…

For men like me who do not have much on the top of the head, I take a bit of a morbid satisfaction in this story. It reminds us that the Fates might have a sense of humor regarding baldness. Sure, balding men don’t have those flowing locks that most women find so attractive in certain males, but I bet if you could have asked poor Absalom as he was dangling from that tree, he would have said that not having too much hair can be a live saver. Keep this in mind, dear reader, the next time you see someone who, involuntarily, wears his hair a bit shorter! Note: I have to admit that Sampson might have had a different opinion on this matter…

Having the last word – a lesson from the French

How many times have you been searching for just the right thing to say but have been unable to do so? Or worse, the right words only arrive long after you needed them? Whether you are looking for that perfect riposte during a humorous discussion, or are seeking to make a dagger-sharp remark in a heated argument, you probably know what it is like when it all gets stuck on the tip of the tongue.

The French have an excellent phrase for this: L’esprit de l’escalier. Translated word for word it is “the spirt of the staircase,” but more generally means that you only think of the right words as you going out the door—in other words too late.

As an average gent, this is one of the banes of my existence as I usually only think of the right thing to say about ten minutes after the fact. Here is where I envy the witty and the charming of this world. They, no matter what the occasion, always have the best words.

On the other hand, those witty and charming folks never have experienced this L’esprit de l’escalier so maybe they are missing a certain something in life. For the rest of us, we should at least get partial credit for thinking of the right words even if they are too late to be of any use.

Speaking of the French

One of my all-time favorite quotes comes from the Frenchman Alexandre Auguste Ledru-Rollin who lived from 1804 to 1874. Early in his career, as a lawyer and politician, he was a bit of a champion for the working classes in France—and this was at a time when being nice to the working man was not something the upper classes did very often.

Ledru-Rollin was forced into a twenty-year exile to London when he was accused by the government of some unpleasantries during the revolution of 1848. This was the year that there was great governmental upheaval and the Second Republic was founded. I mention this in case you are preparing for the next episode of Jeopardy!

He denied the serious nature of these “unpleasantries” and claimed that they were merely peaceful demonstrations. The authorities, on the other hand, called his activities an armed insurrection. As you can see there is a vast difference of opinion here, but however you might look at it, he had to skip town for a while–the aforementioned twenty years in fact.

Although the following words are credited to him, sadly there is a good chance that they are apocryphal. I say sadly, because they are wickedly subtle and poke sharply at politicians of all sorts. His quip: “There go the people. I must follow them, for I am their leader!”

I have met a good many people in life who sniff dismissively at sports. They might have played them in school, but in their mind they have moved on to better things in life and would never think of squandering their time gawking at the television set for four hours on a Saturday watching a football game.

Well, while I struggle to understand how it takes four hours to complete a game that, by the clock, lasts only 60 minutes, I view sports as a good indication of the health of our economy and the relative comfort of our modern lives.

One hundred years ago the average worker was on the job six days a week and 12 hours a day. There was no time for a hobby like following, or participating, in sports—that was a pastime reserved mostly for the wealthy.

I fully understand that, even in 2019, there are those among us labor long in the vineyards of life to make financial ends meet, but there have been undeniable advancements in terms of the safety, the health, and even the free time of most workers. To see how far things have moved in the right direction, just look back at the famous Triangle Shirtwaist fire, in which the owners physically locked the employees into the work rooms and blocked all exits so they could not step out for a break and a smoke.

Sports signify leisure. While most of us would like to have more free time, the fact that we have enough to follow our favorite athletes indicates how far we have come from the unending toil of yesteryear.

Yes, sports these days are full of commercials, but at least we can turn off the telly and do something else and that should tell us something about how good we have it in life.

In the meantime, stay average but never mediocre!